Every time we're passing by you feel the heat.

Listening to: As Tall As Lions - Stab City
Feeling: Apathy

Disclaimer: I don't usually like to address someone directly in an entry, but I'm not sure this can be avoided or have the same effect if I wrote differently. I'd apologize, but I'm not really sorry. You told me I shouldn't censor myself, there's no point. Still, I can't bring myself to write your name. I don't think I need to. We both know that, for circumstances unknown, you're still the only guy I've ever spent an extended amount of time with thus far.

I'll be more careful of what music I put on the next time we hang out, if there does happen to be a next time. Even though I listened to ATAL long before we made out with their music playing in the background, your big dumb head seems to find its way to the front of my brain lately whenever one of their songs comes on. And even though it was pretty hot at the time, I just can't have you fucking up songs I love.
I'm realizing more and more, each time we hang out that some things are better left in the past. Sometimes when emotions die, it's for a reason and I've been trying to pretend that you could possibly be something more than what you are to me. Which is, in the end, a really great memory and one of my biggest lessons learned. And why? For an ego boost? Because I'm bored and craving male attention and I know you'll give it to me? Because I'm comfortable kissing you? You've always given me just barely enough to keep me coming back, even now. And I know it probably seems like I care much more than I actually do, writing about you like this. But honestly, this isn't for you. Yeah obviously, I'd be a lying bitch if I said that it wouldn't give me a little satisfaction to know that at least one word of this hit a nerve with you. Because no shit, after all of this time, I do care about you. I'll probably even feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear of you seeing someone new, maybe even when I'm in a relationship myself. Most people do have some sort of reaction when an ex-lover1 starts dating someone new, it's totally normal. I guess I kind of hope you'll have a similar reaction when you find out2 that I'm finally seeing someone. But you will always, always be more than anything else, something I'd like to conquer. Something to overcome. I think because I never really "had" you. I'm not sure you could ever understand. I don't think I want you to.
But hey, you've been great for my writing. So thanks.

1 I can't think of what else to call you, that's always been an issue for me. When we were hanging out those first few months, when referring to you now as what you were in my past. I remember you referred to me as your "ex" once. Upon hearing that it made me laugh, much like a joke would. But I was also satisfied.
2 Probably via Facebook. Thanks to the lovely networking website, everyone knows when someone's relationship status changes.

what I am to you is not real
what I am to you, you do not need
what I am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and I'll ask for the sea
it's just what I'm going through
this is nothing new
no, no, just another phase of finding what I really need

-Damien Rice, Volcano