'Cause love is just a dialogue.

Listening to: The Kills - Cheap and Cheerful
Feeling: Relaxed

Subtle, but satisfying:

-lost another pound since last doctor's visit in mid-December.
I'm not proud of losing one pound in a few weeks, I could probably do that in a day or two if I tried. I've gained and lost up to 5 pounds within three days before. It's the fact that I didn't gain any weight back over the holidays, or at the very least, lost whatever I did. And I haven't been actively making any big changes, i.e. exercising, eating healthier, to get in shape yet. I know it's probably because Concerta decreases my appetite quite a bit, therefore I have been eating less. But still, I'll take whatever help I can get as long as it isn't harming my health.

-my clothes actually do feel slightly looser.
Not to the point where someone else might notice, but enough to force me to keep pulling up my pants. Enough to take a second look in the mirror and be like "Huh. Guess I did lose a little." I probably won't have to change sizes until after I've been working out for awhile [note to self: dig out all old jeans/pants & set aside so that I can have my mom send them if I really need them]. But even the smallest of spaces between my stomach and my jeans is totally a reason to smile.

-Misha's sudden increased mobility.
Since I've been home, she's climbed the stairs to the second floor of our house about 6 times or so. She stopped doing that over a year ago, and I've had to carry her upstairs if I wanted her to snuggle with me in my bed. But post-surgery, Misha's been pushing my door open with her nose again on occasion. Just like she used to♥

-the likelihood that I'll be able to cop before driving back to school.
And easily too! This alone makes me relax like ten times over. I'm sure Jos understands this.


-plans w/Amyguns on Thursday.
Catching up, a little shopping, Coldstone on the cheap [coupon=sweet], getting my tats touched up, maybe even stopping by the older bro's house to say goodbye & Amy can meet the little one. I'm stoked.

-no plans for today.
It's usually the opposite of what I want, but I've still been feeling shitty since last Friday's fun little jaunt to the E.R and I haven't really let myself just sleep and relax. I also need to get a few things done like laundry, cleaning, packing, etc. But there's no rush or time frame. It's nice.

Allergic to the counterfeit.

You're gonna be a shining star, with fancy clothes, fancy cars
And then you'll see you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows just who you are
So live your life
you steady chasing that paper
Just live your life
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life, my life, my life, my life
Just living my life, my life, my life, my life

Never mind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away
Amazing they ungrateful for after all the games I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You still be wasting days away, nah had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, how much I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violate in a major way
I never been a hater still I love them, in a crazy way
Some say they so yay and no they couldn't even work on Labor day
It ain't that black and white, their hands of area in shades of grey
I'm Westside anyway, even if I left today and stayed away
Some move away to make a way not move away cause they afraid
I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me wanna melt their face away
Like I once made them spray, now I could make them plead their case away
Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
If you ever see me catch a case, and watch my future fade away

You're gonna be a shining star, with fancy clothes, fancy cars
And then you'll see you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows just who you are
So live your life
you steady chasing that paper
Just live your life
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life

I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished
with the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid
Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics
Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick
Whoever having problems with, their record sales just holla tip
If that don't work and all else fails, then turn around and follow tip
I got love for the game but I'm not in love with all of it
I could do without the fame and the rappers nowadays are comedy
The hootin' and the hollerin', back and forth with the arguing
Where you from, who you know, what you make and what kind of car you in
Seems as though you lost sight of what’s important with the positive
And checks until your bank account and you up out of poverty
Your values is a disarrayed, prioritizing horribly
Unhappy with the riches cause your piss poor morally
Ignoring all prior advice and fore warning
And we mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden aren't we?
So live your life.
-T.I. & Rihanna, "Live Your Life"

...Who knew I'd love a song like this so much? It just seems to fit so well with the point I'm at right now.

Just thinking out loud.

Listening to: Dave Matthews Band - Pig
Feeling: Surprised that I just stayed up all night

Fact: I'm bored.
Fact: This sometimes results in lists and random thoughts.

I wonder if Kate Nash is recording/releasing anything new in the near future.


I love this video/song. It gives me all kinds of ideas for an art project or two.


things to be grateful for:
-lacking any sort of schedule
[I'm sleeping until I feel like it tomorrow]
-Bayside, T.I., Lady GaGa, the Velvet Underground, Pink, Guster, the Ting Tings, Lil' Wayne, Jenny Lewis, Beyonce, MGMT, the Kills, Jack's Mannequin, Kevin Rudolf, Gym Class Heroes, Santogold, The Academy Is..., Britney Spears & Fall Out Boy
[aka my current playlist]
-a cutie-pie niece that is finally starting to remember me
[despite only seeing me once or twice every few months- she calls me Nay Nay]

-ideas, ideas, ideas
-Hydrocodone
[no worries babies, I have an Rx from the surgery]
-all of the cool crafty shit I have at my disposal here
[supplies for sewing, painting, drawing, knitting, collage, etc]
-finding out how happy Jon is making Joslyn
[I don't think I've ever been this excited about someone else's love life before]
-the great conversation I had with my older brother today
[it's decided, I'm definitely going to grad school after Purchase]
-knowing I still have a couple more Christmas presents heading my way
[presents always rule]
-knowing a new semester at Purchase awaits me
[I'm really beginning to identify myself more with Purchase, less with the 315]

Carey Hart, what a fox.

things that currently suck:
-lacking any sort of schedule
[love it/hate it]
-the nose
-the amount of time I actually spend alone here in CNY
[20 out of 24 hrs=lame]
-the probability that I'm being ignored by at least 2 dudes
[fuck 'emmm]
-when people that used to talk mad shit about each other suddenly become bffs
[I know things change, but sometimes it just seems odd]
-total boredom
-no sex
[no explanation necessary]
-ice
[I'm clumsy enough as it is, thanks]
-losing touch with old friends
[yeah, yeah, shit happens- it's still a bummer]
-no flow
[I know what really matters in life. doesn't mean I don't miss having money to spend]
-self-esteem that's decent one day, shitty the next
[one of the perks of being a chick. or ya know, not.]


...And now, to bed!
I have to at least try to get some sleep.

Every time we're passing by you feel the heat.

Listening to: As Tall As Lions - Stab City
Feeling: Apathy

Disclaimer: I don't usually like to address someone directly in an entry, but I'm not sure this can be avoided or have the same effect if I wrote differently. I'd apologize, but I'm not really sorry. You told me I shouldn't censor myself, there's no point. Still, I can't bring myself to write your name. I don't think I need to. We both know that, for circumstances unknown, you're still the only guy I've ever spent an extended amount of time with thus far.

I'll be more careful of what music I put on the next time we hang out, if there does happen to be a next time. Even though I listened to ATAL long before we made out with their music playing in the background, your big dumb head seems to find its way to the front of my brain lately whenever one of their songs comes on. And even though it was pretty hot at the time, I just can't have you fucking up songs I love.
I'm realizing more and more, each time we hang out that some things are better left in the past. Sometimes when emotions die, it's for a reason and I've been trying to pretend that you could possibly be something more than what you are to me. Which is, in the end, a really great memory and one of my biggest lessons learned. And why? For an ego boost? Because I'm bored and craving male attention and I know you'll give it to me? Because I'm comfortable kissing you? You've always given me just barely enough to keep me coming back, even now. And I know it probably seems like I care much more than I actually do, writing about you like this. But honestly, this isn't for you. Yeah obviously, I'd be a lying bitch if I said that it wouldn't give me a little satisfaction to know that at least one word of this hit a nerve with you. Because no shit, after all of this time, I do care about you. I'll probably even feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear of you seeing someone new, maybe even when I'm in a relationship myself. Most people do have some sort of reaction when an ex-lover1 starts dating someone new, it's totally normal. I guess I kind of hope you'll have a similar reaction when you find out2 that I'm finally seeing someone. But you will always, always be more than anything else, something I'd like to conquer. Something to overcome. I think because I never really "had" you. I'm not sure you could ever understand. I don't think I want you to.
But hey, you've been great for my writing. So thanks.

1 I can't think of what else to call you, that's always been an issue for me. When we were hanging out those first few months, when referring to you now as what you were in my past. I remember you referred to me as your "ex" once. Upon hearing that it made me laugh, much like a joke would. But I was also satisfied.
2 Probably via Facebook. Thanks to the lovely networking website, everyone knows when someone's relationship status changes.

what I am to you is not real
what I am to you, you do not need
what I am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and I'll ask for the sea
it's just what I'm going through
this is nothing new
no, no, just another phase of finding what I really need

-Damien Rice, Volcano

Got some hearts that I'll be breaking.

Listening to: Santogold - I'm a Lady
Feeling: Bored

I'll soon be off in search of some platinum blonde hair to create clip-in extensions. I know you can buy them already made, but it's cheaper if you d.i.y.

I'm afraid I've become very dull. Maybe it's just because I'm not at school and well, Syracuse doesn't offer much for me to do anymore. But I'm concerned that I'm boring, not well-rounded enough. My [current] life can be summed up in a short list:

• family/pets
• friends
• school
• writing
  
• music
• mary jane
  
• art/crafts/sewing
• movies
  
• interior decorating [I get a strange sense of joy from decorating my dorm room]
  
• a strong desire/plan to get in shape
• finding a way to stay in or near NYC

I know I need to read more books, possibly get involved with the radio station at school, travel some, get a job. I'm just nervous that my interests limit me.

Any change comes as a relief.

Listening to: Ben Harper - Diamonds on the Inside
Feeling: Relaxed

So tonight after some post-holiday shopping [candles, a gorgeous skirt and chic ornaments for my tree- for next year!] and eating a delicious turkey dinner cooked by my wonderful madre, I watched an old favorite with my parents, "Hook." After that, I caught the very tail-end of "Factory Girl" with Sienna Miller. Most of the reviews I've read say the movie is extremely dull, but then again, when have I ever listened to reviews? I'd like to watch the whole thing at some point. Edie Sedgewick's story is heartbreaking.
I also found "Suicide Club" online, which is quite exciting since I've wanted to finish that movie since I first saw the beginning of it three-something years ago. Something to share with my Purchase loves, I know they'll appreciate the gore.
My appointment today was ridiculous, I almost passed out. I wish I didn't get so freaked out, but I can't seem to help it. I will be so glad when this week is over.
I miss Purchase already, but I know there's still a few things I need to get in order before going back. It'll be nice when my head isn't such a blur from these drugs they gave me for the pain. I suppose they do help though, since I probably should be bored beyond belief. But I guess I just find this time, this break, absolutely necessary.

Close your eyes and dream.

Listening to: Norah Jones - Rosie's Lullaby
Feeling: Sleepy

I spent the entire day sleeping and cuddling with the puppies. My whole head feels swollen and I'm semi-permanently dizzy. However, I woke up to my mother telling me that her and my dad got me a gift. She then placed this guy in my arms:I'm not a huge fan of agriculture or farming, but come on- who could resist a giant stuffed cow? It's head is bigger than my own and is so soft and floppy. He just needs a name now, any suggestions? My parents have been so sweet to me this whole time, especially my mom who knows that I love to be babied when I'm sick. She's cooked me special foods, bought me extra-soft tissues and even got me a humidifier. I'm so lucky I have them to take care of me.

I'm in the process of watching "The Spiderwick Chronicles" online, though once again, it's taking forever to load. I watched "1408" with the rents earlier. It sucked. Not even John Cusack could save that movie.
Stumbled across some Jim Sturgess pictures. Ugh, he makes my teeth hurt. So good-looking.

A breath from the breathing.

Listening to: Jack's Mannequin - Hammers & Strings (Lullaby)
Feeling: Pain

I had sinus surgery early yesterday morning, so this is pretty much how I'm feeling today.

The bad: I'm obviously in a lot of pain, can only breathe through my mouth [which is still difficult] and I'm not sleeping very well. The good: I haven't thrown up at all, fingers crossed. The ugly: Well, pretty much my face right now haha. I'm just looking forward to not having serious sinus problems anymore. Hopefully I'll have a speedy recovery!

A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.

Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone
Feeling: Tired

Dear Grandma, thanks for the vintage bling.

Dear Ulta Sales Associate, thanks for the free Smashbox eyeshadow for accidently making me wait.

So I don't feel like re-living all of the details of my vacation down to Pennsylvania, mostly because I'm exhausted, but overall it was a good trip. I'm glad to be home though, it was kind of strange being there after being away for so long. Highlights definitely include: spending quality time with Rolin, awesome home-cooked food, snuggling with Misha, unexpected gifts, and seeing "Marley & Me" with Sheri. It was great seeing her and Mitch, I've missed them. That cousin of mine is becoming quite the gorgeous girl. I love how the little tyke that used to follow me around is the one that turned me onto Smashbox's Jet-Set Waterproof Eyeliner, which I just got today of course.
This week I'm looking forward to hanging out with a few different friends, cleaning my room and just relaxing. I want to get rid of some stuff and I've been in need of some quality "me" time. I might even take a bubble bath. With candles & scented oils! Such a girl.

She dreams that sometimes she's the prettiest one.

Listening to: Tunng - Tale From Black
Feeling: Relaxed

...Sometimes it just takes another's criticism to realize it.