Allergic to the counterfeit.

You're gonna be a shining star, with fancy clothes, fancy cars
And then you'll see you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows just who you are
So live your life
you steady chasing that paper
Just live your life
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life, my life, my life, my life
Just living my life, my life, my life, my life

Never mind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away
Amazing they ungrateful for after all the games I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You still be wasting days away, nah had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, how much I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violate in a major way
I never been a hater still I love them, in a crazy way
Some say they so yay and no they couldn't even work on Labor day
It ain't that black and white, their hands of area in shades of grey
I'm Westside anyway, even if I left today and stayed away
Some move away to make a way not move away cause they afraid
I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me wanna melt their face away
Like I once made them spray, now I could make them plead their case away
Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
If you ever see me catch a case, and watch my future fade away

You're gonna be a shining star, with fancy clothes, fancy cars
And then you'll see you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows just who you are
So live your life
you steady chasing that paper
Just live your life
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life

I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished
with the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid
Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics
Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick
Whoever having problems with, their record sales just holla tip
If that don't work and all else fails, then turn around and follow tip
I got love for the game but I'm not in love with all of it
I could do without the fame and the rappers nowadays are comedy
The hootin' and the hollerin', back and forth with the arguing
Where you from, who you know, what you make and what kind of car you in
Seems as though you lost sight of what’s important with the positive
And checks until your bank account and you up out of poverty
Your values is a disarrayed, prioritizing horribly
Unhappy with the riches cause your piss poor morally
Ignoring all prior advice and fore warning
And we mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden aren't we?
So live your life.
-T.I. & Rihanna, "Live Your Life"

...Who knew I'd love a song like this so much? It just seems to fit so well with the point I'm at right now.

Every time we're passing by you feel the heat.

Listening to: As Tall As Lions - Stab City
Feeling: Apathy

Disclaimer: I don't usually like to address someone directly in an entry, but I'm not sure this can be avoided or have the same effect if I wrote differently. I'd apologize, but I'm not really sorry. You told me I shouldn't censor myself, there's no point. Still, I can't bring myself to write your name. I don't think I need to. We both know that, for circumstances unknown, you're still the only guy I've ever spent an extended amount of time with thus far.

I'll be more careful of what music I put on the next time we hang out, if there does happen to be a next time. Even though I listened to ATAL long before we made out with their music playing in the background, your big dumb head seems to find its way to the front of my brain lately whenever one of their songs comes on. And even though it was pretty hot at the time, I just can't have you fucking up songs I love.
I'm realizing more and more, each time we hang out that some things are better left in the past. Sometimes when emotions die, it's for a reason and I've been trying to pretend that you could possibly be something more than what you are to me. Which is, in the end, a really great memory and one of my biggest lessons learned. And why? For an ego boost? Because I'm bored and craving male attention and I know you'll give it to me? Because I'm comfortable kissing you? You've always given me just barely enough to keep me coming back, even now. And I know it probably seems like I care much more than I actually do, writing about you like this. But honestly, this isn't for you. Yeah obviously, I'd be a lying bitch if I said that it wouldn't give me a little satisfaction to know that at least one word of this hit a nerve with you. Because no shit, after all of this time, I do care about you. I'll probably even feel a twinge of jealousy when I hear of you seeing someone new, maybe even when I'm in a relationship myself. Most people do have some sort of reaction when an ex-lover1 starts dating someone new, it's totally normal. I guess I kind of hope you'll have a similar reaction when you find out2 that I'm finally seeing someone. But you will always, always be more than anything else, something I'd like to conquer. Something to overcome. I think because I never really "had" you. I'm not sure you could ever understand. I don't think I want you to.
But hey, you've been great for my writing. So thanks.

1 I can't think of what else to call you, that's always been an issue for me. When we were hanging out those first few months, when referring to you now as what you were in my past. I remember you referred to me as your "ex" once. Upon hearing that it made me laugh, much like a joke would. But I was also satisfied.
2 Probably via Facebook. Thanks to the lovely networking website, everyone knows when someone's relationship status changes.

what I am to you is not real
what I am to you, you do not need
what I am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and I'll ask for the sea
it's just what I'm going through
this is nothing new
no, no, just another phase of finding what I really need

-Damien Rice, Volcano

Blindfolded, eyes wide open.

Listening to: Sublime - Ball and Chain
Feeling: Slightly confused

It's those pills that you don't need to take
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it
It's your grace and it keeps me grounded
-The Spill Canvas, "Lullaby"

Why do these lyrics make me sick to my stomach? And not in a good way. They make me uncomfortable and skeptical. I've always loved The Spill Canvas, but lately I just can't listen to their music because it's all about connections and love, and let's face it... those are things I can't comprehend right now. I'd get frustrated if someone kept trying to speak to me in Chinese, why should songs about something I've never experienced be any different?

I know its probably not normal to feel this way. To look around at couples and feel, simultaneously, grateful that I don't need someone else to complete me and wishing that someone who makes me nervous for all the right reasons would just come along already. Sometimes I wonder if I want certain things just because society tells me I should. I think too many people in this world are so terrified of being on their own and facing who they really are, that they just jump into the nearest set of open arms. However, I'm also not too proud to admit that it's been so long since I've had someone shake me up that I have, despite my efforts, become slightly bitter. Not so much that it's irreversible or affecting my life in any major way, but it's still shows up sometimes. But honestly what I want, what I really, really want can't be found in any relationship or bought in any store. I swear I'm going to make this life work for me.
I will be happy and satisfied. And I find it hard to believe that anyone other than myself can make that happen.

It’s up to me and the heart on my sleeve.

My head is a blur. Winter break is just what I need to clear my mind and work on a few things.

I've always played the fool around here

I'm starting to worry that
I rush through life forgetting to breath
We all need some time to adapt
No one understands
No one understands
What it’s like
I had high hopes of silver and gold;
I thought this could change for the best
My mom always said I was named for a saint
but I never felt I was blessed
No one understands
No one understands
No one understands
What it's like
I got your cure right here
Is that what you want to hear?
I've played the fool too many times
I've been catching up
For all my life
And it seems
It gets harder to believe it gets harder but
Be honest
If the sun don’t shine tomorrow we’ll survive
I turn this up as loud as it goes
And it ain't doing much for the pain
It’s up to me and the heart on my sleeve
That hasn’t quite been the same
No one understands
No one understands
No one understands
What it's like
I got your cure right here
Is that what you want to hear?
I've played the fool too many times
I've been catching up for all my life and it seems
It gets harder to believe
It gets harder but be honest
If the sun don’t shine tomorrow we’ll survive
I'm in a field of landmines
A cruise ship to hell
Oh but I don’t think about that
It's so hard to find help these days
When everyone's counting on me
But I'm burnt already

-Bayside, "No One Understands"

Here I am expecting just a little bit too much.

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when I've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
[A Perfect Circle]

A season to sleep.

I have a playlist of 24 songs entitled "Lights out New York City," that I listen to sometimes before going to sleep. This is definitely one of my favorites on there.

Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
it is older than Rome and all of this sorrow
see the new pyramids down in old Manhattan
from the roof of a friend's I watched an empire ending
heard it loud and long the river's Om
time marching on to a madman's drum

Don't forget what you've learned all you give is returned
and if life seems absurd what you need is some laughter
and a season to sleep and a place to get clean
maybe Los Angeles, somewhere no one is expecting
on a detox loft through a Glendale Park over sidewalk chalk
someone wrote in red, "start over"
so I muffled my scream on an Oxnard beach
full of fever dreams that scare you sober
into saltless dinners

Take the fruit from the tree, break the skin with your teeth
is it bitter or sweet? All depends on your timing
like a meeting of chance with the train station glance
many lifetimes had past in a instant reminded
of a millstone house in a seaside town
when your heart gave out in a mission bed
so your wife gave birth to a funeral dirge
you woke up purged as a wailing infant
in Krug Thep, Thailand

Hear the chimes, did you know that the wind when it blows
it is older than Rome and our joy and our sorrow

-Bright Eyes, Cleanse Song