'Cause love is just a dialogue.

Listening to: The Kills - Cheap and Cheerful
Feeling: Relaxed

Subtle, but satisfying:

-lost another pound since last doctor's visit in mid-December.
I'm not proud of losing one pound in a few weeks, I could probably do that in a day or two if I tried. I've gained and lost up to 5 pounds within three days before. It's the fact that I didn't gain any weight back over the holidays, or at the very least, lost whatever I did. And I haven't been actively making any big changes, i.e. exercising, eating healthier, to get in shape yet. I know it's probably because Concerta decreases my appetite quite a bit, therefore I have been eating less. But still, I'll take whatever help I can get as long as it isn't harming my health.

-my clothes actually do feel slightly looser.
Not to the point where someone else might notice, but enough to force me to keep pulling up my pants. Enough to take a second look in the mirror and be like "Huh. Guess I did lose a little." I probably won't have to change sizes until after I've been working out for awhile [note to self: dig out all old jeans/pants & set aside so that I can have my mom send them if I really need them]. But even the smallest of spaces between my stomach and my jeans is totally a reason to smile.

-Misha's sudden increased mobility.
Since I've been home, she's climbed the stairs to the second floor of our house about 6 times or so. She stopped doing that over a year ago, and I've had to carry her upstairs if I wanted her to snuggle with me in my bed. But post-surgery, Misha's been pushing my door open with her nose again on occasion. Just like she used to♥

-the likelihood that I'll be able to cop before driving back to school.
And easily too! This alone makes me relax like ten times over. I'm sure Jos understands this.


-plans w/Amyguns on Thursday.
Catching up, a little shopping, Coldstone on the cheap [coupon=sweet], getting my tats touched up, maybe even stopping by the older bro's house to say goodbye & Amy can meet the little one. I'm stoked.

-no plans for today.
It's usually the opposite of what I want, but I've still been feeling shitty since last Friday's fun little jaunt to the E.R and I haven't really let myself just sleep and relax. I also need to get a few things done like laundry, cleaning, packing, etc. But there's no rush or time frame. It's nice.

Just thinking out loud.

Listening to: Dave Matthews Band - Pig
Feeling: Surprised that I just stayed up all night

Fact: I'm bored.
Fact: This sometimes results in lists and random thoughts.

I wonder if Kate Nash is recording/releasing anything new in the near future.


I love this video/song. It gives me all kinds of ideas for an art project or two.


things to be grateful for:
-lacking any sort of schedule
[I'm sleeping until I feel like it tomorrow]
-Bayside, T.I., Lady GaGa, the Velvet Underground, Pink, Guster, the Ting Tings, Lil' Wayne, Jenny Lewis, Beyonce, MGMT, the Kills, Jack's Mannequin, Kevin Rudolf, Gym Class Heroes, Santogold, The Academy Is..., Britney Spears & Fall Out Boy
[aka my current playlist]
-a cutie-pie niece that is finally starting to remember me
[despite only seeing me once or twice every few months- she calls me Nay Nay]

-ideas, ideas, ideas
-Hydrocodone
[no worries babies, I have an Rx from the surgery]
-all of the cool crafty shit I have at my disposal here
[supplies for sewing, painting, drawing, knitting, collage, etc]
-finding out how happy Jon is making Joslyn
[I don't think I've ever been this excited about someone else's love life before]
-the great conversation I had with my older brother today
[it's decided, I'm definitely going to grad school after Purchase]
-knowing I still have a couple more Christmas presents heading my way
[presents always rule]
-knowing a new semester at Purchase awaits me
[I'm really beginning to identify myself more with Purchase, less with the 315]

Carey Hart, what a fox.

things that currently suck:
-lacking any sort of schedule
[love it/hate it]
-the nose
-the amount of time I actually spend alone here in CNY
[20 out of 24 hrs=lame]
-the probability that I'm being ignored by at least 2 dudes
[fuck 'emmm]
-when people that used to talk mad shit about each other suddenly become bffs
[I know things change, but sometimes it just seems odd]
-total boredom
-no sex
[no explanation necessary]
-ice
[I'm clumsy enough as it is, thanks]
-losing touch with old friends
[yeah, yeah, shit happens- it's still a bummer]
-no flow
[I know what really matters in life. doesn't mean I don't miss having money to spend]
-self-esteem that's decent one day, shitty the next
[one of the perks of being a chick. or ya know, not.]


...And now, to bed!
I have to at least try to get some sleep.

Blindfolded, eyes wide open.

Listening to: Sublime - Ball and Chain
Feeling: Slightly confused

It's those pills that you don't need to take
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it
It's your grace and it keeps me grounded
-The Spill Canvas, "Lullaby"

Why do these lyrics make me sick to my stomach? And not in a good way. They make me uncomfortable and skeptical. I've always loved The Spill Canvas, but lately I just can't listen to their music because it's all about connections and love, and let's face it... those are things I can't comprehend right now. I'd get frustrated if someone kept trying to speak to me in Chinese, why should songs about something I've never experienced be any different?

I know its probably not normal to feel this way. To look around at couples and feel, simultaneously, grateful that I don't need someone else to complete me and wishing that someone who makes me nervous for all the right reasons would just come along already. Sometimes I wonder if I want certain things just because society tells me I should. I think too many people in this world are so terrified of being on their own and facing who they really are, that they just jump into the nearest set of open arms. However, I'm also not too proud to admit that it's been so long since I've had someone shake me up that I have, despite my efforts, become slightly bitter. Not so much that it's irreversible or affecting my life in any major way, but it's still shows up sometimes. But honestly what I want, what I really, really want can't be found in any relationship or bought in any store. I swear I'm going to make this life work for me.
I will be happy and satisfied. And I find it hard to believe that anyone other than myself can make that happen.