But it's time to shine.

Listening to: Alexi Murdoch - Shine
Feeling: Ready to be productive

Part of my Winter break agenda is catching up on movies I've been craving to see, but simply haven't had the time. To begin my movie-watching adventure, I finally finished "Stardust" online and I know I'm about a year or so behind, but it was absolutely amazing. It was annoying how slowly it loaded, but well worth the wait.
"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine." -Yvaine

Ugh, my favorite monologue from the whole movie. So cute. I'd like to get it on dvd at some point. Robert DeNiro is hilarious and Michelle Phieffer makes a great villainess. The ending wasn't entirely predictable either. And the love story is obviously crazy adorable. I'm such a sucker for fairytales and the notion of true love. And this was exactly I needed.

[Insert contented sigh here]

Blindfolded, eyes wide open.

Listening to: Sublime - Ball and Chain
Feeling: Slightly confused

It's those pills that you don't need to take
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it
It's your grace and it keeps me grounded
-The Spill Canvas, "Lullaby"

Why do these lyrics make me sick to my stomach? And not in a good way. They make me uncomfortable and skeptical. I've always loved The Spill Canvas, but lately I just can't listen to their music because it's all about connections and love, and let's face it... those are things I can't comprehend right now. I'd get frustrated if someone kept trying to speak to me in Chinese, why should songs about something I've never experienced be any different?

I know its probably not normal to feel this way. To look around at couples and feel, simultaneously, grateful that I don't need someone else to complete me and wishing that someone who makes me nervous for all the right reasons would just come along already. Sometimes I wonder if I want certain things just because society tells me I should. I think too many people in this world are so terrified of being on their own and facing who they really are, that they just jump into the nearest set of open arms. However, I'm also not too proud to admit that it's been so long since I've had someone shake me up that I have, despite my efforts, become slightly bitter. Not so much that it's irreversible or affecting my life in any major way, but it's still shows up sometimes. But honestly what I want, what I really, really want can't be found in any relationship or bought in any store. I swear I'm going to make this life work for me.
I will be happy and satisfied. And I find it hard to believe that anyone other than myself can make that happen.

Here I am expecting just a little bit too much.

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when I've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
[A Perfect Circle]